"I'd like to be somebody's Gerry"

Happy Monday all,

I am glad to see the back of this day I'll tell you!

I have been up to my eyes with final touches for the wedding but I promise I will be much more consistent with my posts from hereon in! When you have a lot on your plate, you get sort of writers block and to be honest sometimes it's best to stay silent rather than writing something not true to yourself/brand you want to represent.

With our wedding only 13 weeks away (yes, you heard me right) apart from nerves a lot of thoughts kick in about your future, past experiences and things that may affect/have affected your life.

Those of you who have been following me for awhile now will be familiar with bits of my personal life I choose to share online, so some of you may know I have lost my dad when I was 9 years old. I have a brother who is 11 years older than me, so he acted as a father figure to me while growing up. When me & Warren started planning our wedding asking my brother to walk me down the aisle was the obvious thing to do, as he is the next most important man in my life after my dad.

My Dad & I

Baby Joanna

It wasn't easy growing up with 1 parent. Do not get me wrong - my mam has done the most amazing job she could and my siblings helped her (I am the youngest in our family) however the death of my dad has affected me in a bigger way than I ever imagined and here's why.

Have you ever seen P.S. I love you? - For those of you that haven't - It's a love story of a young married couple, where one of them dies of cancer and he leaves letters for approximately a year for his wife to help her with the process of grief, emptying his side of the wardrobe, travel and eventually fall in love.

You probably think why I mentioned the above? Well, once I became an adult and relationships could turn into a potential life together I started to live in this fear. Fear of death. Fear of getting emotionally attached to this person, of loving. Why? Because I have had my dad taken away too soon and that has crushed my mam. (Before anyone messages me, as a sign of respect & privacy for my family that's all I am going to say about my mam & dad). I have since then started to put up a wall in order to protect myself from getting too close to anyone.

So now, I live in fear that I have not been able to get rid of. Fear which has previously stopped me from living and loving and giving people a chance. Fear that when this person is gone I will not be able to pick up my life and live or breathe for this matter. I live with this fear as I am about to marry the love of my life, and every now and then I make him swear I'll get to die first (as if either of us have any say in it). Witnessing loss first hand has changed the way I look at things and definitely it grounded me.

Warren & I

As we are getting close to the Big Day these thoughts are constantly in my head, as I have nightmares of being left alone and I simply cannot imagine my life without Warren. P.S. i Love You was on TV3 over the weekend and once again it brought things back. I usually try and avoid this movie as it hits me hard and this time was no different. Because you see Warren is the first person with whom I left my guard down and let him know ME.

I will definitely find it hard not having my dad at the wedding, as I am hoping he'd be proud of me and approve of Warren. I am so so lucky to have found the love of my life and that more importantly he wants to share his life with me, however I can't always keep the dark clouds away. He is my Gerry, my air, my reason for being and the reason I am terrified for my future. Sometimes the thought of eventually being old and alone overshadow the wonderful years ahead we have together.

That is all for this evening, I hope I didn't depress you too much. I find that many people may be going through similar thoughts, situations and it's nice to read that we are not completely alone.

"But the thing to remember is: If we are all alone, we are all in this together too"

As Always,

Lots of Love

Joanna xoxo